I saw a lot of movies this year, but these are the ten that either disappointed me or that I hated the most. Which ones made you loathe your existence this year?
1. Space Jam: A New Legacy
Ok, we’ve made it to my number one spot. The Golden Trophy bestowed upon that which made me wonder, Why do I do this to myself?. Alas, the answer is all too clear: it’s nothing more than a feature-length commercial for HBO Max. I wish I wasn’t kidding. Look, the first Space Jam was no masterpiece, but at least it was more competently put together than this overly stylized drivel. There is so much sensory overload, considering that the entire movie is submerged in the worst CGI vomit, with the glossy sheen of the Star Wars prequels.
And while Michael Jordan was no actor, James just doesn’t have it at all–especially problematic because the “plot” centers on a basketball game between him and his son. And it’s all run by Don Cheadle as Al G. Rythm (yeah, you heard that right), the creator of the “Server-verse”. Cheadle is the only one enjoying himself here in the slightest, and that’s not a good thing when the Looney Tunes gang are around. If you enjoy Granny saying “Haters gonna hate”, Porky Pig rapping, or the appalling sex offender Pepe le Pew being replaced by the Clockwork Orange gang, you’ll love this movie. You’ll be relieved to hear Porky say, “That’s all, folks!”
2. Home Sweet Home Alone
By the time I had finished watching Home Sweet Home Alone on Disney+, I wondered if I might have deeply offended Santa, and this was his way of taking my Christmas stocking to the reindeer stalls. Because for a movie that has the tagline “Some Holiday Traditions Were Meant To Be Broken”, it not only breaks them; it sets them on fire. Sure, each of the Home Alone sequels after the second one marked a serious decline in quality, but this is one of the worst of the bunch. Disney clearly doesn’t understand what made the original so beloved: the story of a frantic mother trying to get back home in time for Christmas to see her son, who turns the tables on two bumbling robbers by setting a bunch of traps.
So what’s the best way to reboot the franchise? Make the robbers two sympathetic people who are trying to reclaim their property from the brattiest kid you ever met, that’s how! And he doesn’t hesitate to unleash one unspeakable torment after another upon these two! Not even a cameo from Devin Ratray as Buzz McAlister could compensate for this lump of coal. I wanted to curl up into the fetal position and drown my sorrows in alcoholic eggnog–a lot of it.
3. The Matrix Resurrections
You’re probably wondering why this gem is not higher on this list. The answer is simple: The Matrix sequels never held a feather to the original, even in their best moments. When a fourth movie was announced, directed and written by only one of the Wachowski siblings, I remained cautiously optimistic but extremely skeptical. I just wondered why–to quote Neil Patrick Harris’ Analyst–after all these years, we would be going back to The Matrix. Turns out, it was just another skippable disaster from an interfering studio that was pushing for another sequel–with or without Lana Wachowski. All of this is turned into “clever” meta commentary inside Resurrections, but it really doesn’t work and Neo’s search for answers should have been called The Matrix Regurgitations, considering that it is a retread of the first movie–complete with clips reminding us of a better movie we could be watching instead.
While Yahya Abdul-Mateen II’s Morpheus isn’t the worst offender when it comes to cast replacements, it’s a mystery that Fishburne didn’t return in the role. Hugo Weaving is nowhere to be found, and the use of his character here is probably the worst. There are no surprises, the once well-choreographed action is lame, and everyone feels as if they’d rather be doing something else. When that weasly Cypher said all those years ago in the first Matrix, “Ignorance is bliss”, he couldn’t have been more right.
4. Eternals
With Endgame, the MCU more or less seems to have peaked, yet are so desperate to keep churning out hits. Eternals was directed by Award-winner Chloe Zhao, and yet is the only MCU film to date with a “Rotten” critics’ score on Rotten Tomatoes. Chew on that for a minute. And yet, when you watch it, such damning verdicts only make sense: despite the MCU’s First Ever LGBTQ character and a diverse cast, including talented stars like Angelina Jolie and Salma Hayek, it’s a narrative and thematic disaster.
Roughly 45 minutes in, my family actually walked out of the theater (something unprecedented for us). Yes, I came back the next day to finish it, but I resented every minute of it; Eternals is the sort of project that is better suited for a television series than a two-and-a-half-hour feature film, considering the large roster of characters and story. In this case, the title really does fit.
5. Old
Here’s where we get into theater experiences that really made me loathe my existence this year. Clearly, there are four entries above this one, but don’t assume that M. Night Shyamalan’s latest offering was anything short of abysmal. If any redeeming qualities can be found here, they are few and far between, such as the director’s willingness to embrace–for better and worse–some of his staples: the awkward dialogue, the poor line delivery, and the head-scratching twist. And to his credit, the location is beautiful and a few moments of body horror are effectively wince-inducing.
But Old is a perverse, nihilistic exercise that raises so many questions that you don’t want to spend time thinking about because it’s all so unpleasant. The director who gave us such hits as The Sixth Sense and Unbreakable now stoops to focusing on death and decay, while attempting to use it as a reflection on growing old. But you won’t be thinking about the missed times with your spouse when you see two six-year-olds in teenage bodies getting intimate, the girl giving birth within five minutes, and then the baby dying. Yes, you read that right. Need I say more?
6. Black Widow
Speaking of disappointing blockbusters, I must emphasize how much it breaks my heart to put Black Widow on this list. The primary reason that it’s so low is that I actually care more about this character than Cruella or Snake Eyes, yet this film fails to give her a proper sendoff, as it promised. Scarlet Johansson’s Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow has long been one of my favorite heroes in the MCU, and after her death in Endgame, any story about her life would certainly feel a bit late (and of course, the pandemic delays didn’t help).
But the real problem with Black Widow is that it’s not even focused as much on the beloved Avenger as it is on her sister, Yelena. While Florence Pugh and David Harbour are great in their roles as Nat’s “family”, too little is done with any of them. The climactic showdown in a floating fortress lacks any sense of personal stakes, devolving instead into every other bombastic CGI third act we’ve seen in other (better) Marvel films, like The Winter Soldier.
7. Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins
The reason Snake Eyes earns a spot on this list is because it is yet another film that promises us something but doesn’t deliver on it well. In this case, the titular character was shown donning his iconic gear, including helmet, and being a silent warrior. Unfortunately, that is literally the final scene, and Snake Eyes spends most of the runtime not only talking and without a helmet but being a highly unlikeable character.
The trailers also showcased impressive samurai action–but alas, the action sequences were directed with that awful “shaky-cam” style, despite gorgeous Japanese settings. I’m no G.I. Joe fan to begin with, but whether you are or not, this is a most dishonorable entry in the franchise, as well as a disappointing blockbuster.
8. Cruella
I honestly don’t know why Disney keeps insisting on creating backstories for “sympathetic villains”. Let me make one thing clear: when watching 101 Dalmations growing up, I never once wondered, How did this horrible woman become someone who thrives on skinning puppies and making them into fur coats? Worse still, this attempt doesn’t answer that question, but instead other ones that I was never asking (like how she got her name!).
Sure, Emma Thompson is a marvelous “villain” here as the wealthy fashion designer, and Emma Stone is very talented in the titular role. Joel Fry’s Jasper and Paul Walter Hauser’s Horace are likeable enough as her partners-in-crime. But none of this compensates for the unnecessarily overlong, often twisted, story that we are forced to sit through. After over two hours in the theater, I felt that my time would have been better spent watching the classic animated film again…or even the live-action adaptations with Glenn Close, goofy as they were.
9. Venom: Let There Be Carnage
A more appropriate title for this sequel would be Let There Be Garbage, because outside of the goofy bromance scenes between Eddie and Venom, this film is trash. Now, I didn’t really care for the first one, either, but this one promises us one of Spider-Man’s most iconic villains…and instead builds a pointless 90-minute exercise in futility around the final battle.
The story is almost nonexistent, any returning and new characters–especially Anne and Shriek–are woefully underdeveloped, the CGI is lame, and the PG-13 rating severely limits the carnage that is more suited to such a vicious symbiote. Even the final battle was generic and anticlimactic. You know it’s not a good thing when your movie is best remembered for its post-credits scene.
10. Red Notice
There’s definitely a reason for the 37% “Rotten” critics’ score on Rotten Tomatoes. This Netflix romp promised a fun adventure, headed by Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot, that was part Indiana Jones and Dirty Rotten Scoundrels…and knows it, too. What we get instead is a lazy, contrived script featuring The Rock playing himself (in another jungle setting, no less).
Ryan Reynolds also plays himself in the same tired shtick that he hasn’t really been able to break free from since Deadpool. The plot is predictable, the action sequences could have been stitched together by any teenager using Adobe Photoshop, and the film doesn’t really seem to know where to end, setting up for an inevitable sequel, but giving us one eleventh-hour twist too many. In short, take no notice of this latest Netflix offering.
THE REEL REVIEWER WITH JOSHUA KROEGER 